When Anxiety Feels Like It’s Running the Show (And How to Gently Take the Lead Back)
By Dr. Quinnett Swank, EdD, Marriage and Family Therapist - Intern
You know that feeling when your mind just won’t stop racing—even when nothing’s technically wrong?
Maybe it hits during your morning routine, that familiar wave of pressure pressing in before the day has even begun. Or maybe it sneaks up at night, just when your body finally gets still—but your thoughts keep circling like they’re chasing something they’ll never catch.
If you’re here, chances are you’re not new to anxiety. You might be high-functioning, deeply caring, and juggling a lot—family, work, relationships—and yet, under the surface, there’s that low hum of unease that just won’t quit. It’s not always a full-blown panic attack. Sometimes it’s a tightening in your chest, irritability, or a constant sense that you’re "not doing enough," no matter how much you accomplish.
Let’s talk about anxiety—not as a diagnosis or a flaw, but as an experience that so many women are silently carrying. From a place of real, compassionate understanding.
Anxiety Isn’t the Enemy
Let’s start here: anxiety isn’t a flaw. It’s a signal. It’s your body’s way of trying to protect you—even if it’s a bit overzealous sometimes.
The problem isn’t that you feel anxious. The problem is when anxiety becomes your primary guide—when it shapes your decisions, relationships, or daily habits in ways that slowly shrink your world.
It’s not about “stopping” anxiety. It’s about creating enough inner safety that anxiety doesn’t have to shout to be heard.
Think of anxiety as a well-meaning friend with terrible timing. She’s always whispering, “Are you sure that’s safe? Maybe don’t do that. What if it goes wrong?” And sometimes, she has a point. But when she’s running the show, it becomes nearly impossible to step outside your comfort zone, be spontaneous, or even rest.
What Anxiety Often Looks Like (That We Don’t Talk About Enough)
Anxiety isn’t always panic attacks or hyperventilation. In fact, for many women I work with, it shows up in ways that are subtle and often overlooked:
Overthinking every text, decision, or social interaction
Tension headaches or tightness in the chest
Difficulty sleeping, even when exhausted
Avoiding conversations or situations that feel unpredictable
Perfectionism masked as productivity
Emotional withdrawal from people or tasks that feel overwhelming
Often, my clients will say, “I just thought I was being responsible” or “I didn’t even realize this was anxiety.” That’s the tricky thing—it blends into our everyday routines until it starts dictating how we live.
A Deeper Look: Why Anxiety Takes Over
From a psychological perspective, anxiety often stems from learned experiences. Maybe you grew up in a home where mistakes weren’t safe. Or you were praised for being the one who had it all together. Or perhaps you went through a trauma where control was stripped from you, and now your nervous system scans for danger—even when there isn’t any.
The brain is wired for survival, not peace. It wants to keep you safe, and anxiety is one of its most powerful tools. But in our modern world, the "dangers" are often emotional—not physical. A disappointing conversation, an unmet expectation, a fear of judgment—these become coded as threats.
So your brain does what it knows: it tightens up. It hyper-focuses. It keeps you “on alert.” And over time, this vigilance can feel like your default setting.
The Reality of Women’s Anxiety
While anxiety affects people of all genders, the way it shows up—and is carried—can look very different for women.
From an early age, many women are socialized to prioritize others’ needs, be agreeable, perform well, and hold everything together. This can create a pressure cooker of unspoken expectations: be nurturing but not needy, capable but not controlling, soft but never “too emotional.”
So what happens?
Anxiety gets internalized. Instead of being expressed outwardly, it shows up as:
Quiet overfunctioning—doing everything for everyone while silently burning out
Deep fear of failure or “not being enough,” especially in motherhood or career
Guilt for simply wanting space or time to themselves
Overthinking how they’re perceived, and trying to “fix” themselves to be more likable or less intense
Many women I work with describe anxiety not as panic attacks—but as a constant hum beneath the surface. A vigilance that never fully turns off.
Add in the invisible labor of caregiving, managing households, navigating trauma histories, or trying to rise in a system that often doesn’t support emotional vulnerability—and it’s no wonder anxiety becomes the body’s default setting.
But here’s what I want you to know: you don’t have to carry it all.
You can begin to tell the truth about what’s overwhelming. You can set things down that were never yours to hold in the first place. And you can learn to reconnect with yourself—not just as a caretaker, partner, or professional—but as a whole, worthy human being.
Anxiety is not who you are. It’s something you’ve learned to live with. And you can learn to live with it differently.
How We Begin to Unwind It
There’s no magic formula, but there is a process. These are not just clinical tools—they’re daily invitations to reconnect with yourself.
1. Name It Without Shame
When anxiety rises, many of us try to outwork it, ignore it, or criticize ourselves for “not being stronger.” But what if the first step was simply noticing?
Naming your experience builds distance. It turns anxiety from something you are into something you’re having.
“This is anxiety. It’s here right now. I don’t have to act on it. I can sit with it.”
Even writing down your symptoms in a journal (tight chest, spinning thoughts, racing heart) can help you understand the patterns. And with understanding comes power.
2. Rebuild the Mind-Body Bridge
Anxiety doesn't just live in the mind—it lives in the body. Most of us spend our days “up in our heads,” disconnected from what our physical body is trying to tell us.
Simple somatic (body-based) grounding practices can be surprisingly effective:
Feet-to-floor technique: Sit in a chair and press your feet into the ground.
Box breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4.
5-4-3-2-1: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
These practices communicate safety to your nervous system. And safety, not logic, is what calms anxiety.
3. Unhook from the “What Ifs”
Anxiety thrives on imagined futures: What if I mess up? What if something bad happens?
Instead of answering the "what if," try grounding in the what is.
“What is true right now?”
You don’t have to resolve every fear in advance. You just have to meet the moment you’re in.
Permission to Be Human
Something I wish more women heard is this: You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of peace.
You are allowed to:
Take breaks
Say no without guilt
Let things be unfinished
Be loved even when you’re anxious
Ask for help before you hit burnout
Anxiety often creates a story that you’re behind, failing, or not enough. But those are symptoms—not truths.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
Healing doesn’t always look like confidence or calm. Sometimes it looks like:
Crying after you set a boundary
Feeling anxious and still showing up
Choosing rest when your mind says “keep going”
Noticing the spiral and gently stepping out of it
Asking for help even though you’re used to doing it all
In therapy, I often tell my clients: healing isn’t about eliminating hard emotions. It’s about building the capacity to sit with them without them taking over.
That’s a powerful shift—from being at the mercy of anxiety to knowing how to support yourself through it.
You’re Not Alone in This
I want you to hear this clearly: you are not too much. You are not the only one feeling this way. And you don’t have to do it all alone.
So many of the women I work with tell me some version of: “I thought I had to hold it all together. ”
You don’t have to wait until it’s unbearable. You deserve support now.
If you’re ready to explore what it would feel like to carry less—less pressure, less fear, less shame—I’d be honored to walk with you.
Dr. Quinnett
About Dr. Quinnett
I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern licensed in Nevada, and I'm passionate about helping women navigate anxiety, life transitions, and relationship challenges. I provide in-person therapy in Las Vegas and virtually throughout Nevada, using an approach that combines evidence-based techniques with genuine care and understanding. My goal is to help women reconnect with themselves and go from surviving to thriving.
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Important Note: This blog post is for educational purposes and isn't intended to replace professional mental health care. If you're experiencing severe anxiety, panic attacks, or thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to your healthcare provider or call 988 for immediate support.
