How Couples Can Communicate Needs Without Shame or Criticism (An ACT-Informed Approach)
By Dr. Quinnett Swank, EdD, Marriage and Family Therapist - Intern
TL;DR
Shame and criticism usually aren’t the “real issue” in a relationship—they’re protective strategies that show up when a need feels risky to name. In ACT terms, couples get hooked by old stories (“If I ask, I’m needy” / “If I’m not perfect, I’ll be rejected”) and then act from threat-mode: blaming, defending, shutting down, or avoiding. The way forward isn’t saying everything perfectly—it’s noticing the pattern, unhooking from the story, and making clear requests aligned with your values (respect, honesty, teamwork, repair).
If you want support shifting these patterns in a practical, steady way, Book a Free 15-Minute Consultation.
Want to learn more…keep reading.
How Couples Can Communicate Needs Without Shame or Criticism (An ACT-Informed Approach)
A lot of couples don’t have a “communication problem.” They have a shame + protection problem.
Shame says:
“I shouldn’t need this.”
“If I ask, I’ll get rejected.”
“If I’m honest, I’ll be too much.”
Protection shows up as:
criticism (“you never…”)
defensiveness (“that’s not true…”)
shutdown (“whatever”)
silence (but with resentment underneath)
And the twist is: most of the time, both partners want the same thing—connection—but their nervous systems are choosing strategies that push it further away.
The ACT lens: discomfort can ride along, but it doesn’t have to drive
ACT isn’t about forcing yourself to calm down before you talk. It’s about noticing what’s happening inside you (shame, fear, anger, defensiveness) and choosing what you do next based on your values.
In couples communication, that means:
Feeling anxious… and still asking for closeness.
Feeling ashamed… and still naming what matters.
Feeling defensive… and still choosing respect.
1) Name the pattern (not the person)
Instead of making your partner the problem, name the loop you both get pulled into.
Try:
“I think we’re in that pattern again.”
“I can feel myself getting sharp—usually that means I’m needing something.”
“Can we slow down? I want to talk about this without attacking you.”
This moves you from me vs. you to us vs. the cycle.
2) Separate the need from the story about the need
A need is simple. Shame adds a story.
Need: “I want reassurance.”
Story: “If I need reassurance, I’m weak.”
Need: “I want more affection.”
Story: “If I ask, I’ll seem needy.”
In ACT terms, this is getting hooked by a thought and treating it like a fact. A quick unhooking move:
“I’m having the thought that asking for this will make me look needy.”
“I’m noticing shame here—and I still want to be honest.”
That one step gives you choice.
3) Use a clean request formula
Clarity prevents fights. Here’s a simple structure that works:
When ___ happens, I feel ___. I’m needing ___. Would you be willing to ___?
Examples:
“When we don’t talk after work, I feel disconnected. I’m needing closeness. Would you be willing to do 10 minutes of no-phones time after dinner?”
“When plans change last minute, I feel anxious. I’m needing predictability. Would you be willing to give me a heads-up as soon as you know?”
This makes your need doable instead of debatable.
4) Trade diagnosis for tenderness
Criticism often sounds like a character assessment:
“You’re selfish.”
“You don’t care.”
“You’re so emotionally unavailable.”
Even if you’re hurting, those lines usually trigger defense. If you want closeness, lead with the truth underneath:
“I miss you.”
“I feel alone lately.”
“I’m scared we’re drifting.”
“I want to feel like we matter to each other.”
This isn’t about being “nice.” It’s about being effective.
5) Practice willingness (because it will feel vulnerable)
Healthy need-communication is exposed. That’s normal.
ACT calls this willingness: making room for discomfort in service of what matters.
Try:
“This is hard to say, and it matters to me.”
“I feel embarrassed asking for this, but I’m trying to be honest.”
You’re not waiting to feel fearless. You’re choosing values anyway.
6) If you’re the listener, respond in a way that keeps it safe
You don’t have to agree to validate. Start with understanding.
Try:
“That makes sense.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I can see why you’d feel that way.”
“What would help most right now?”
If defensiveness shows up, name it responsibly:
“I’m getting defensive and I don’t want to. Can we slow down so I can really hear you?”
7) Choose values over winning
Conflict pulls couples toward: Who’s right?
ACT invites a better question:
Who do we want to be with each other right now?
Pick a few relationship values:
respect
honesty
teamwork
kindness
repair
Then anchor:
“I want to stay respectful even if we disagree.”
“I care more about us than being right.”
“Can we restart? I want to say this differently.”
8) Repair fast (this is where trust is built)
Every couple will blow it sometimes. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s repair.
Try:
“That came out harsh. I’m sorry. Let me try again.”
“I got flooded and went into defense mode. I’m back.”
“I don’t want to be against you—I want to be on your team.”
Repairs build safety. Safety makes honesty possible.
A weekly practice: the 10-minute needs check-in
Once a week, each partner answers:
“Something I appreciated this week was…”
“Something I’ve been feeling lately is…”
“Something I need more of right now is…”
“One small request I have is…”
Small. Specific. Repeatable. That’s how resentment stays manageable.
Ready for more support?
If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same loop criticism, shutdown, defensiveness, distance you don’t have to keep white-knuckling it.
If you’d like help applying this in a way that fits your relationship (and your real-life stress levels), reach out to schedule a consultation. We’ll map the pattern, identify what each of you is protecting and needing underneath it, and build practical, ACT-informed tools you can use in the conversations that usually go off the rails.
Until next time. Take care!
Dr. Quinnett
About Dr. Quinnett Swank
I’m Dr. Quinnett Swank, a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern in Las Vegas, Nevada. I specialize in working with adults who feel stuck in anxiety, relationship stress, life transitions, and trauma-informed patterns that keep repeating. I also offer couples therapy for partners who want support improving communication, repairing conflict, and rebuilding connection. I provide in-person therapy in Northwest Las Vegas and virtual sessions across Nevada. My goal is to help individuals reconnect with themselves and go from surviving to thriving.
Ready for support that helps you feel grounded and connected again?
Important Note: This blog post is for educational purposes and isn't intended to replace professional mental health care. If you're experiencing severe anxiety, panic attacks, or thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to your healthcare provider or call 988 for immediate support.
