By Dr. Quinnett Swank, EdD, LMFT
7 min read
In this week's article, I'm talking about one of the most misunderstood ideas in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. We'll look at what acceptance actually means, why people sometimes confuse it with giving up, and how learning to respond differently to uncomfortable thoughts and emotions can help us make choices that better reflect what matters to us.
What Does Acceptance Mean in Therapy?
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, acceptance means learning to make room for uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations without automatically fighting, suppressing, or avoiding them. It allows us to respond more flexibly, even when difficult emotions are present.
When people hear the word "acceptance," they often have a strong reaction.
They assume it means being okay with something they don't like.
They think accepting a difficult situation means agreeing with it.
Or they believe acceptance requires them to stop trying to make things better.
I understand why.
In everyday conversations, we use acceptance in ways that can sound like resignation.
"That's just how things are."
"You need to accept it."
"There's nothing you can do."
But that's not what we're talking about in ACT.
Acceptance involves changing how we respond to our internal experiences.
And that distinction matters because many people spend an enormous amount of time trying to control what they're thinking or feeling before they allow themselves to move forward.
Why We Spend So Much Energy Fighting Our Feelings
Think about the last time you felt anxious about something important.
You had a difficult conversation coming up.
You were waiting for an answer.
You needed to make a decision without knowing how everything would turn out.
You noticed the anxiety and immediately wanted it to stop.
So you began looking for ways to feel better.
You distracted yourself.
You asked someone for reassurance.
You analyzed the situation again.
You tried telling yourself there was nothing to worry about.
And sometimes those strategies helped.
But then the anxiety returned.
Now you were frustrated about the original situation and frustrated that you were still feeling anxious.
This is something I think is important to recognize.
We often create a second struggle around the emotion itself.
We're anxious, and then we're upset about being anxious.
We're sad, and then we're frustrated that we haven't moved on.
We're angry, and then we're ashamed of feeling angry.
Before long, we're spending considerable energy trying to change an emotional experience that may need to be acknowledged first.
Acceptance Doesn't Mean You Have to Like What You're Feeling
Let's say you're dealing with a significant change in your life.
You've experienced a loss, a relationship has ended, or something important hasn't turned out the way you expected.
You feel disappointed.
Sad.
Angry.
Uncertain about what comes next.
Acceptance doesn't mean telling yourself that everything is fine.
It doesn't require you to find a positive lesson in the situation.
And it doesn't mean you have to like what happened.
It means recognizing the emotional experience that's already present.
You can acknowledge:
"I'm disappointed."
"This hurts."
"I'm having a difficult time with this change."
Those statements don't make the situation worse.
They describe what's happening.
And sometimes that honest recognition creates space to consider what you need.
You may need support.
You may need to grieve.
You may need to establish a boundary.
You may need to make a decision about what happens next.
Acceptance gives you room to respond without requiring the uncomfortable emotion to disappear first.
Acceptance and Approval Are Two Different Things
This distinction is particularly important in relationships.
Someone may hear that they should practice acceptance and assume they're supposed to tolerate behavior that's hurting them.
That is not the purpose of ACT.
You can accept that you're experiencing fear, disappointment, anger, or sadness without approving of the situation that contributed to those feelings.
You can acknowledge that you're unhappy in a relationship and still make decisions about what needs to change.
You can recognize that someone has violated a boundary and decide how you want to respond.
You can accept that a situation is difficult without accepting mistreatment.
The same applies to work, family responsibilities, and other areas of life.
Acceptance of an internal emotional experience does not take away your ability to make changes in the world around you.
In fact, being more aware of what you're experiencing can help you decide what action is appropriate.
Why ACT Focuses on Psychological Flexibility
One of the central concepts in ACT is psychological flexibility.
Psychological flexibility involves being able to notice what's happening internally and externally while making choices that reflect your values and circumstances.
Let's look at an example.
You've been asked to take on another responsibility at work.
Your schedule is already full.
You know that saying yes will make an already demanding week more difficult.
But the thought of saying no makes you anxious.
You worry that your supervisor will be disappointed.
You worry that you'll be seen as unhelpful.
You begin imagining how the conversation might go.
If your goal is to eliminate anxiety before making a decision, you may keep postponing the conversation or agree to something you don't have the capacity to manage.
ACT offers a different way to approach the situation.
You can acknowledge the anxiety.
You can notice the thoughts about disappointing someone.
And then you can consider what matters to you.
You may value responsibility and being dependable.
You may also value your health, family, and having realistic limits.
Those values can help guide your response.
You might decide to explain your current workload and discuss what's possible.
The anxiety may still be present.
But it no longer has to make the entire decision.
Acceptance Doesn't Require You to Believe Every Thought
Another concept I use in ACT is cognitive defusion.
This involves learning to notice thoughts without automatically treating them as facts.
Think about how easily a thought can influence your behavior.
You have the thought:
"I'm going to fail."
And suddenly, you don't want to try.
You think:
"They're going to judge me."
And you decide to stay quiet.
You think:
"I can't handle this."
And you begin looking for ways to avoid the situation.
ACT encourages us to recognize that thoughts are mental experiences.
Having a thought doesn't necessarily make it an accurate prediction.
For example, instead of saying:
"I can't handle this."
You might say:
"I'm having the thought that I can't handle this."
The change is small, but the purpose is significant.
You're noticing what your mind is telling you without immediately accepting it as the final answer.
You can consider the thought and still choose how to respond.
4 Ways to Practice Acceptance in Everyday Life
Acceptance is something we can practice during ordinary experiences, including moments of anxiety, disappointment, frustration, and uncertainty.
1. Identify What You're Actually Feeling
Start by naming the emotion.
"I'm anxious."
"I'm disappointed."
"I'm frustrated."
"I'm feeling uncertain about this."
Try to describe the experience without immediately judging yourself for having it.
You don't need to explain why you shouldn't feel that way.
Begin with recognizing what's present.
2. Notice the Urge to Make the Feeling Disappear
Pay attention to what you want to do when the emotion shows up.
Do you immediately seek reassurance?
Do you distract yourself?
Do you avoid a conversation?
Do you start overthinking?
Do you criticize yourself for being upset?
These behaviors aren't automatically unhealthy.
The question is whether they're helping you respond to the situation or primarily helping you escape the feeling.
3. Ask What Matters in This Situation
Once you've identified the emotion, consider your values.
What kind of response would reflect what matters to you?
If you're upset with your partner, you may value honesty and mutual respect.
If you're anxious about a decision, you may value growth and responsibility.
If you're overwhelmed by commitments, you may value health, connection, and balance.
Values provide direction when emotions are difficult.
They don't eliminate uncertainty, but they can help you decide what deserves your attention.
4. Choose One Manageable Action
You don't need a complete plan.
Sometimes the next step is a conversation.
Sometimes it's setting a boundary.
Sometimes it's asking for help.
Sometimes it's allowing yourself to rest.
The goal is to make a thoughtful choice while recognizing that uncomfortable feelings may still be present.
This is where I often encourage people to ask themselves:
"Is the behavior I'm engaging in helping me move toward the life I want, or is it keeping me stuck?"
That question brings the focus back to how you're responding.
What Acceptance Is Not
Acceptance is often easier to understand when we clarify what it does not require.
Acceptance does not mean:
Approving of harmful behavior.
Giving up on something important.
Ignoring a legitimate concern.
Pretending that difficult circumstances are acceptable.
Allowing other people to violate your boundaries.
Forcing yourself to tolerate unsafe situations.
Eliminating your desire for change.
Acceptance is about developing a more flexible relationship with thoughts and feelings so you have greater freedom to choose how to respond.
For some people, that may include learning to approach situations they've been avoiding.
For others, it may involve recognizing that a boundary or significant life change is necessary.
The appropriate response depends on the circumstances.
Frequently Asked Questions About Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Does acceptance in ACT mean giving up?
No. Acceptance involves acknowledging internal experiences without automatically fighting or avoiding them. ACT also emphasizes taking meaningful action based on personal values.
Does ACT teach you to ignore negative thoughts?
No. ACT encourages people to notice their thoughts and develop a different relationship with them. The goal isn't to suppress thoughts or assume that every thought is true.
Can ACT help with anxiety and overthinking?
ACT is an evidence-based approach used for a range of mental health concerns, including anxiety. It focuses on developing psychological flexibility and responding more effectively to difficult internal experiences.
What is the difference between acceptance and avoidance?
Acceptance involves being willing to experience thoughts and emotions without automatically trying to escape them. Avoidance involves efforts to prevent, suppress, or control unwanted experiences. Avoidance can be appropriate in some situations, so context matters.
Takeaways
Acceptance is one of the most misunderstood ideas in therapy.
It doesn't mean giving up.
It doesn't mean agreeing with everything that happens.
And it doesn't mean you need to feel comfortable with situations that genuinely need to change.
In ACT, acceptance helps us develop a different relationship with our internal experiences.
We learn to recognize thoughts and emotions without automatically allowing them to control our decisions.
You can acknowledge anxiety and still take a meaningful step.
You can experience disappointment and still decide what comes next.
You can recognize that something hurts while also taking appropriate action to protect yourself.
The goal is greater flexibility in how you respond.
Looking for ACT Therapy in Las Vegas?
If anxiety, overthinking, perfectionism, avoidance, or self-criticism are influencing your daily life, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy may be a helpful approach to explore.
At Swank Counseling, I use ACT to help adults better understand their thoughts, emotions, and behavioral patterns while identifying what matters most to them.
My approach is practical, collaborative, and focused on helping you make changes that fit your real life.
Therapy is available in person in Northwest Las Vegas and online throughout Nevada.
Learn More About Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Book a Free 15-Minute Therapy Consultation
Until next time. Take care!
Dr. Quinnett
Important Note: This article provides general information about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It is not individualized mental health advice or a substitute for therapy.
About the Author
Dr. Quinnett Swank, EdD, LMFT
I'm Dr. Quinnett Swank, a licensed marriage and family therapist, educator, and certified nutrition coach based in Las Vegas, Nevada.
At Swank Counseling, I work with adults navigating anxiety, stress, relationship challenges, life transitions, identity shifts, and patterns that continue to resurface. I also work with couples who want to strengthen communication, work through conflict, navigate change, and rebuild connection.
My approach is practical, collaborative, and whole-person focused. In addition to exploring thoughts, emotions, relationships, and behavior, I may incorporate conversations about factors such as stress, sleep, movement, and nutrition when they are relevant to a client's mental health and overall well-being.
Therapy is available in person in Northwest Las Vegas and virtually throughout Nevada.
I'm also the host of Wellness Unfiltered with Dr. Quinnett, where I share conversations about mental health, relationships, behavior change, and whole-person wellness.
My goal is to help you better understand what's happening beneath the surface so you can make changes that feel realistic, sustainable, and aligned with the life you want to build.
Ready to feel more connected to yourself again?
Important Note: This blog post is for educational purposes only. Not a substitute for therapy or medical care. If you're experiencing severe anxiety, panic attacks, or thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to your healthcare provider or call 988 for immediate support.
